It is the graphic designers’ mission to subvert us with their subliminal design techniques. They force us to spend our hard-earned budgets on pretentious drivel, cause manic anxiety, and eventually drive us to random acts of violence. Graphic designers are the reason there are so many wars in the world. Of course, most of them are communists.
So here’s a list of things you can do when briefing a designer. Just to redress the balance.
SUPPLYING COPY
When sending a designer a document, make sure it's been created in Microsoft Office – preferably a really old version like Office 95. If you have to send pictures, don’t send JPEGs or TIFFs, instead copy and paste your pictures into a Word document. Or better still, a PowerPoint presentation.
Don't forget to make sure you only ever send images in low-resolution format (72dpi). That way, they’ll have to ask you for a better quality version. Then send them a completely different picture – but half the size. If you're emailing it, forget the attachment.
CHOOSING FONTS
Always ask for documents to be designed using Arial. Or Helvetica. If the designer tactfully suggests you be more adventurous, ask for Comic Sans.
USE OF COLOUR
When asked by your designer whether you have any colour preferences always insist that you have, and that it’s very important to you that they be taken into consideration. Then write down twelve random colours on little bits of paper, put them into a hat, and draw six. Your designer may suggest that you limit yourself to a ‘palette’ of 2-3 colours at most. Ignore them. They’re being lazy.
LAYOUTS
Designers always like to include lots of white space in their layouts. They’ll tell you that it’s because they’re easier to read that way, that an uncluttered look is more elegant and professional. Don’t believe them. The reason they do it is to spread the design across more pages, so that they can charge you more. That’s because designers hate clients. They also eat babies.
So be sure to specify narrow margins and really, really small text. Get your money’s worth by requesting at least six or seven fonts (bonus points for including Comic Sans). Supply clip art. Ask them to include lots of pictures. They might try to dissuade you. Be strong. You got a GSCE in art, didn’t you? You know what you want. Besides, the client’s always right.
LOGO INCLUSION
You can’t include too many logos in a design. Or have them too big. When the designer asks you to supply logos tell them to get them from your website. If that doesn’t work copy and paste them into a Word document (see above). And if that doesn’t work send them a version which has to be cut-out, preferably set against a gradient tint background. Then, after your designer has painstakingly managed to cut it out, tell her you need it bigger.
If you want a logo designed for you, supply a sketch on a napkin. Better yet, don’t supply a sketch – or indeed anything in writing. Just talk about what you want. Don’t be too detailed though. The less the designer understands what you want, the more changes you can ask for later.
Never accept the first version you’re shown, or the tenth. Make him or her change the colour, the font, and any wording. Ask them to include a picture, and then remove it. Be sure to include bevelled edges and complex shadows – and of course, Comic Sans. At the twelfth attempt tell them you liked the first one best. I know it's mean, but designers are the reason we have global warming.
GIVING FEEDBACK
When giving your designer feedback use language that doesn't mean anything. Ask them to, "jazz it up a bit" or to, "make it more webbish". Likewise, when briefing use expressions like, "I want it to be really sexy" or "I’d like lots of nice graphics”.
SCHEDULES AND DEADLINES
Take your time when approving designs. There’s no rush. Take two days. Take six. Then, twenty-four hours before deadline, ask for two or three big changes. Insist that they’re really important. Ask for the designs to be resubmitted, on deadline, for approval. When the designer points out that doing so will prevent you from making any further changes insist on them being ready first thing the following morning instead. Then come in late and go straight into a meeting. Follow it with a long lunch. When the panicking designer eventually does manage to get hold of you casually accuse them of leaving it to the last minute. After all, graphic designers cause child obesity.
DELIVERING THE KNOCK-OUT BLOW
Follow these guidelines and your designer will soon start to feel undermined. The slow realisation that their advice – no matter how well qualified or experienced they are to give it – will inevitably be ignored will take its toll. Your designer will abandon all hope of influencing you. They’ll put up less resistance to your demands. Eventually they’ll just do whatever you tell them to, without question. You want that in purple? Sure. Six different fonts? No problem. When this happens it’s time for you to pounce. Express your disappointment at their lack of initiative. Tell them that they are, after all, the designer. Why is it that you’re having to come up with all the ideas? Tell them that the designs they’ve produced for you look cluttered and uninspired. Point out that you were expecting more in the way of input and advice. Imply that you think they’re overpaid for the service they provide. Tell them that you've decided to do your own layouts and design work in future, using Microsoft Publisher.
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